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| This girl deserves an apology. |
Dear self,
I am very sorry for how I have treated you in the past. I can honestly say that I did not know the harm I was causing, nor how deep the hurt would go.
I apologize for being so self-critical, and for allowing it to become such a deeply ingrained habit. I hope to remedy this, little by little, by first forgiving the critical thoughts, then countering the criticism with love. For there is much to be loved about you.
I apologize for not believing in you, in all of you, in who you would become. I am thankful for the hope you have maintained, but I know I made it very difficult at times.
I am sorry for holding you back and for making you dream small. I know there was a time when you dreamed freely and wildly, but as you grew older, I began to tell you that your dreams needed to be smaller in order to be attainable. That was a lie. You cannot attain it if you do not dream it. I know the dreamer is still within you, so I want you to know that she is free now. She can dream as big as she wants, and she better be ready for those dreams to come true.
I am sorry for calling you names. Fat, ugly, worthless, friendless, stupid, mean, boring. These names do not represent you at all. These names are more a reflection of the depression that consumed you at times, and other times were part of that deeply ingrained self-criticism.
I am sorry for not treating you more lovingly. I know I don't always give you the best nutrition, though I have come such a long way. I also kept you from moving your body in ways that delight you, and I know now that I must urge you to run and dance and do yoga whenever possible.
I apologize for telling you that you do not deserve love. That is perhaps the worst lie I have ever told you. You deserve to be swept off your feet, fall head over heels, have your breath taken away, and be shot by Cupid's arrow. You deserve the knight in shining armor. You deserve faithful love. I want this for you, and I am sorry for telling you that you were not worthy. You are more than worthy.
I am sorry for letting fear run the show. Countless times I have told you you could not do something out of fear. Fear of people, fear of getting hurt (physically or emotionally), fear of looking stupid, fear of disappointment. None of these are good reasons for not living your life. Do it all and don't hold back- I will try my best not to let fear take the reins.
Finally, I am sorry for not giving you the recognition you deserve. I should not deflected compliments that were honestly given. You deserve each and every one of them. You have come so far from where you have been- you are a creature transformed. Own it; I will try my best to let your light shine.
I hope you can forgive me for all of the ways I have wronged you. I am truly sorry.
Love,
Yourself
Now, dear readers, I urge you to consider writing an apology to yourselves. What would that look like? I welcome your comments and emails.
I love this, Rachel! It's beautiful and it really resonated with me. I'll have to write my own letter. I imagine my letter would say many similar things. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves when really we deserve all the love we can give ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI know, we develop these bad habits so early in our lives that we don't even know that it is a bad habit...and that it can be broken. Good luck writing yours- I hope that it helps you in whatever way you need. :)
DeleteA beautiful apology, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I did something similar with my apology and wrote mine to my body.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I just read yours- so eloquent. Here's to loving ourselves more. :)
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