On Sensitivity, Introversion, and Perfectionism

Day 20 of the challenge asks us to post about something we are struggling with right now. Well, here are a few of my gremlins, as Brene Brown would call them. I wrote the following last night.

So sad.

What am I struggling with right now? At this very moment, it is my sensitivity. I read an article a few years ago that totally clicked with me and gave me insight as to how I am and ho it is ok. I am a highly sensitive person. Right now, my heart is still pounding just a little faster than normal and my nerves are just a little more frayed than they usually are. About half an hour ago, my dog was playing on my sister's couch and suddenly started squealing and ran right to me. I had no idea what was wrong, but she and I were both freaked out and she just wanted me to hold her. She was so startled that she had pooped herself, which in turn freaked me out more because it meant that she was terrified. I ran my hands along her tiny body, feeling for broken bones, but she felt fine. She did not appear to be bleeding. When I got up to take care of her mess, she was walking gingerly on one back leg. Cue panic button. May is already a financially strapped month for me, so a vet bill on top of everything would be more than I can afford. Well, thank God that a few minutes later, Lucy was walking just fine.* Unfortunately for my nervous system, it is taking longer than I would like to get over that little scare.

This kind of reaction on my part is not unusual. I might appear cool and calm on the outside, but inside I am freaking out. I went to a baby shower today that had lots of grownups that I did not know and lots of children. It was completely overwhelming for me. I thought I was going to lose it when a little boy starting batting a balloon around in front of me. And I hate that alcohol (or lorazepam, when the doc prescribes it) is the only thing that can help me cope with such overwhelm. That is not healthy. I sat through it all because I was happy for my friend to have her first child, and I wanted to see her open her gifts. But man is it hard when little kids are misbehaving and their parents don't seem to know how to discipline their kids (Honey, no no in a sweet voice is not going to get your kid to behave, no matter how many times you say it). In situations like this, I tend to retreat within myself, not really caring to talk to anyone else, unless it is a good friend I am already familiar with.

So, I struggle with being sensitive in the fact that I just can't help it that I become overstimulated very easily. Sometimes I'm feeling particularly sensitive, so I tend to feel like crying when I'm happy for someone, or that damn ASPCA commercial comes on TV (please no, no more Sarah Maclachlan). And I'm really sensitive when someone gets hurt. I can't handle seeing someone else in pain; when my sister was in labor, I almost passed out during one of her contractions because I could see the pain on her face. Pain makes me nauseous, and when it's really bad, I start to pass out. It's the number one reason why I did not go into the medical field.

Which takes me to a similar thing that I struggle with: I'm an introvert. How is that a struggle, you ask? Because, as I am learning from Susan Cain's Quiet, our society has a preference for extroverts, so much so that it has become an expectation. If you want to get anywhere in life, you must be an extrovert! I've grown up with people not understanding me and pushing me to "come out of my shell" or "open up" or "put myself out there." In fact, one time I was fake sleeping at church camp and heard some of the older girls asking each other why I was so quiet. Um, I'm not always quiet, but I definitely prefer to sit back and observe the action when I'm in a group. I will participate on my own terms. And that is ok. But I still struggle with reminding myself that it's ok. I struggle with becoming defensive when I feel myself retreating. I struggle with offering myself compassion when I just need a break from people. I struggle with feeling like I'm a bad person because I just don't want to talk right now.

Creating this was stressful.

Polka dots and straight lines- oh my!

One last thing I struggle with: I put a lot of pressure on myself to be awesome. I don't want this blog to be a piece of crap, so I put pressure on myself to update it, make it readable, make it pleasant for me to look at. I want people to read and interact, and it's a lot of pressure. I also do it with my creativity. When I bellydance, I am so selective about what music I use because I want people to think that it was awesome. At karaoke, it is the exact same thing. Throw competition into the mix, and I'm about ready to give up (because I'm too sensitive). At both baby showers I attended this month, there were white onesies for us to decorate with fabric pens. Naturally, I want to create something awesome, so I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to do so. I was trying to be creative, so I decided to draw outfits on them, hoping that the mothers-to-be would like them. God forbid the pen bleeds or I draw a line a little bit too crookedly- I would feel like a failure. I forget that no one really cares all that much. If people are looking down on me for any of these faults, then those are people whose opinions I shouldn't even care about to begin with. I want the kind of people who cheer me on, no matter what. And most people really do just want to see you be yourself and succeed. So I need to tell little miss perfect that she can bug off and I don't need her opinions. It's just a struggle because little miss perfect is a squatter who has taken up residence in my mind.

Those are my biggest struggles at the moment. Can you relate? What are your struggles? I'm here to listen- leave me a comment below.

*Lucy has not been acting quite herself- she's afraid to go upstairs on her own, and will not jump up on the couch or bed (which is low to the ground). She hasn't eaten either. So, I'm a bit worried, still.

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