Cultivating Self Love: Crafting a Vision

Have you ever created a vision board? I have not- this here is my first. I've created many a collage and many a Pinterest board, but never a true-blue vision board.

The idea came over me in early December- I felt called to create a vision board for the year 2014. I've never been big on goals, whether short-term or long-term. I hate the pressure implied within a goal, and I don't always follow through. Life has thrown me too many curve-balls to put any stock in five-year plans.

But vision? I can do vision. I am a very visual person, and very much an idea person. Having an idea of what I want my life to look and feel like- that is something I can do.

Seeing my vision on something tangible is a great reminder for me to cultivate self-love. I see my dreams, aspirations, and even who I already am. I've tucked reminders into my vision board, so that in a dark moment I might be reminded of my greatness.

Many people choose a word of the year, and this year mine is "Radiant," which you can see on my board. This year, I want to make choices based on what makes me feel radiant. There will be singing and dancing, sparkles and red lipstick. Every image that I pasted onto my board represents radiance in some way to me.

If you've never made a vision board, I highly recommend it. Take a few evenings to clip magazines while watching some of your favorite movies, then see how they come together when you glue them to a poster board. Whatever your vision, know that it will be beautiful.

Tell me- how do you feel about vision boards? What words or images would you include? I'd love to hear form you in the comments below!

Leave a Comment creativity, cultivating self love, self love, vision board

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Accepting: Insecurity

How do you feel about insecurity? It is a trait that is greatly frowned upon and viewed as something shameful. Anyone who has ever been single has been told that insecurity is a big turn-off. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is insecure.

But is that really true? And what does that mean?

First, let's review the definition of insecurity:

Source

Consider the first part of the definition: "uncertainty or anxiety about oneself." Who has never felt that at some point in their life? 

When I look back at my life so far, I can see the times when insecurity plagued me. When I was overweight, I was incredibly insecure about my figure. I still am from time to time, when I look in the mirror and see countless silver wisps across my hips, inner arms, stomach, and breasts. Or when I see that bulge of upper tummy that will never disappear, no matter how strong my abs are, nor how small I become. When I realize that I have never had a young, firm body, and nor will I ever. In theory, these thoughts and feelings mean I should never bare my skin in public.

And yet I do. I wore a bikini while I vacationed in Hawaii, all while questioning if the younger, fitter women were gazing in disgust at my extra skin that comes from losing weight and having poor skin elasticity. Then there are the times I perform belly dance in public, a dance whose very name calls for me to bare the one part of my body about which I feel the most insecure. So perhaps I am not so insecure as I thought.

But then.

There is an insecurity that permeates much deeper than my skin. An insecurity that comes from a deep desire to be loved and valued, not for what is on the outside of me, but for what is inside. I see my value, but I always wonder if others see it.

Making new friends, for instance. After a first or second encounter with a potential new friend, I become incredibly insecure, wondering if said person actually wants to be my friend, or if I scared them away by talking either too little or too much. Was I too vulnerable? Did I sound too opinionated? Was I too negative?

Am I too insecure?

We all want to be loved, and we all fear not having love. And for that reason, I question the demonization of insecurity. Instead, I think we need to treat it with acceptance.

Insecurity doesn't feel good, and treating insecurity in another person as though it is the plague is not helpful to anyone. We've got to cut the shame out of insecurity.

In order to accept insecurity, you must first recognize it where it exists. It is a feeling, one which must be examined. Where does it come from? Why is it there?

Once you recognize insecurity, you can begin to move past it. When it comes to my body insecurity, it helps to not look into mirrors or look at pictures of myself. At the same time, I know that this is my body, I've done my best with it, but gosh darn it, it deserves to feel the warmth of the sun and the glow of a spotlight. It deserves to be covered in glitter as it dances for a smiling audience.

And as for my emotional insecurities, I don't let them stop me from trying to forge new relationships. If someone does not want my friendship, I know that they are missing out on something awesome. I will still feel insecure at the beginning, and that is ok. Because in that case, the insecurity comes from not knowing- not knowing what will come of this relationship and not knowing what the other person is thinking. And who knows? Maybe that other person has the same insecurity.

What do you think about insecurity? Do you ever judge yourself or others for feeling insecure? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Leave a Comment acceptance, body image, happiness, insecurity, self confidence, self love

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Aiming True: On Yoga and Life

Source

When you hear the phrase "aim true," what comes to mind?

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending two of Kathryn Budig's yoga workshops here in Portland. The first workshop was called Aim True, and the second was all about backbends.

In the Aim True workshop, Kathryn started out with a lecture, telling her students about her philosophy behind her yoga. She takes inspiration from the Greek goddess, Artemis, goddess of the moon and the hunt. Kathryn shared with us about a difficult time in her life, and how she came across the prayer of Artemis, which goes as follows:

Artemis, huntress of the moon, make my aim true. Give me goals to seek and the constant determination to achieve them.

Grant me communion with nature, allow me to live surrounded by plants and animals that I can grow, protect and nurture.

Allow me the strength and wisdom to be my own mistress, not defined by the expectations of others.

And sustain my sexuality to be as yours — wild and free as nature itself.

 We were advised to bring notebooks to the workshop, and we certainly used them during the lecture. After discussing this idea of aiming true, Kathryn asked us to write in our journals about what aiming true means to us. For me, to aim true is to have clarity of intention, to be authentic, and to be focused. 

Upon further thought, I find that aiming true is rather difficult in practice. I am easily distracted, especially when I start comparing where I am at in my life with where other people are at in their lives. This holds especially true when it comes to this blog. I see other blogs growing and growing, seemingly overnight, while mine moves at a slower pace. It is easy for me to get jealous or frustrated.

But I did not get into blogging to be like other bloggers. I got into it in order to write and to inspire. If just one person is inspired by something I have written, then I have hit my mark. This I must remember.

Kathryn then asked us to write down some of our amazing qualities. I admit that I struggled greatly with this one. I have been questioning my talents of late, wondering what it is that I am really good at. Part of this is because I am wondering what my marketable skills are when it comes to my career. I feel like my greatest assets are not exactly the kinds of things you put on a resume: I am an honest writer, I am authentic, I am incredibly sharp, I love deeply, I am very sensitive, I am compassionate, I face my fears. All great qualities to have, but what value do they hold to others, especially when it comes to being paid?

And perhaps that is where my aim is off. Perhaps viewing my assets through the lens of how valuable they are to an employer is making me miss my mark. Instead, my focus should be how I can use these qualities to help others. Let me tell you, this is a hard truth, and I am still uncertain as to what is right.

Finally, Kathryn asked us to consider where we choose fear in life, and she tied this into yoga- asking us which pose we fear the most. Lately, I have been choosing fear when it comes to believing in myself. This morning I woke up with the meanie on my shoulder filling my head with nasty thoughts.

Let me pause here and talk about the meanie on my shoulder. The way I see it, it is a lot like the cartoons- we each have a devil on one shoulder, and an angel on the other. In my case, I like to think of it as the meanie and the cheerleader. The meanie fills me up with nasty thoughts, making me doubt everything about myself. The cheerleader reminds me that I am courageous, smart, beautiful, and that I can have anything I put my mind to. When I listen to the meanie on my shoulder, I am choosing fear.

Back to this morning, the meanie was already filling my head with nasty thoughts when I was approached at work about a mistake that it turns out I have been making for quite a while. It all boils down to not knowing how urgent a particular task was, and I felt absolutely awful when my boss told me. The meanie on my shoulder began telling me that I would be fired, that this was a huge mistake, that I am incompetent, and that I am a complete failure. I was choosing fear.

But you know what? That meanie was wrong. My boss sent me an email letting me know that she thinks I do an amazing job, and wanting to understand how I came by this mistake, whether it was just a misunderstanding in priorities, and if I needed to ask for help with my workload. I was incredibly relieved. Had I chosen to listen to my cheerleader, I could have avoided the anguish of this morning entirely. It was a thought process that did not serve me at all.

After the lecture, Kathryn led us through a great yoga practice, and into some poses I had never tried before. In particular, she led us into firefly pose, which is a bit tricky to get into, and I thought for sure there was no way I'd come anywhere close to doing it. Yep, the meanie on my shoulder was giving me ideas. But you know what? I made it to balancing on my hands in this pose. No, I didn't come into the full realization of the pose, but I was incredibly happy that I made it to my hands. I was stronger than I thought, more balanced than I imagined. 

My experiences these past few days have reminded me the importance of aiming true. To stay focused, and remind myself of what my intent is. But above all, I must remain true to myself. As the goddess says, I shall not allow myself to be defined by the expectations of others.

What does aiming true mean to you? I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Leave a Comment bravery, self confidence, self love, wisdom, yoga

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Weekly Wishes for Confidence: Hair and Dancing

Happy Monday, my friends! It is that time again- linking up for Weekly Wishes with Melyssa at The Nectar Collective.

If you recall, last week my wish was to style my hair differently every day, and to not throw it into a ponytail or messy bun. How did I do?

Check out this picture recap and see for yourself:

I do not have a picture of Sunday's hair, mostly for symmetry's sake, but also because it was a simple double French braid, since the only time I left my house was for a yoga workshop. Braids are perfect for yoga.

I followed tutorials for hairstyles #2 & #3, which can be found here and here. Hairstyle #4 is simply a double French braid, braids tied together, and then the ends are tucked and pinned. I had a lot of fun trying out new styles, and I'm inspired to try more.

As for this week's weekly wish, I am scheduled to belly dance on Wednesday night, and it will be my first time performing at this particular place. So, my wish is to project confidence when I dance. I tend to get really nervous when I perform, and despite having fun, I always panic and do the same two moves over and over again. So, this week, it is chest up, chin up, put on a smile, and dazzle the crowd!

How about you? Do you have any wishes for this week? What are your tips for being confident in front of a crowd? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below!

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Why I Don't Believe in Dieting

How do you feel about dieting? Have you ever tried one? If so, did it work for you?

Starting at age 10, I began having issues with my weight. As a teenager, I tried to diet, but the only thing that ever worked was eating only Cheerios for a week. I'm not kidding- I dropped a dress size and people noticed. Sadly, it took practically starving myself to get there.

In college, things changed and I managed to lose weight simply by not dieting, and I will share my tips below. But again, I ended up really losing weight when my anxiety kicked into full gear and I couldn't manage to eat much for 7 weeks while I worked at Disney World. I ended up needing to have my gall bladder removed due to the dramatic weight loss. Unfortunately, I put all of that weight back on when I went away to college and then more when I studied in France. I mostly blame the maxi pain au chocolat.

In college, I tried dieting. I tried cutting out carbs, I tried eating more vegetables, and I took so many phys ed classes, I should have lost weight. But I didn't. Nothing worked.

After college, however, things changed again, and I changed my lifestyle entirely. In roughly 3 years time, I lost 60 lbs and I have kept it off ever since. And not once did I diet. Instead, I took up running, starting out very slowly. I took up belly dance. I practiced yoga when I could. All the while, I did not deprive myself of the food I enjoy.

I will admit that I became a vegetarian in this time, and that certainly helped. I did not intend to become vegetarian long-term, I was just trying out a plant-based diet, but in the end, not eating meat really works for my body. I think that is the most important thing to understand- you need to eat what is right for your body, not what everyone else is or isn't eating.

What it all comes down to, in my opinion (note: I am not a dietitian or a doctor, I am just sharing what I have learned from experience), is choosing to be healthy. Dieting to lose weight is the silliest thing, and I feel like it is detrimental because the focus is all wrong. I have chosen to make a healthier lifestyle for myself, and it has made all the difference.

My tips for a healthy lifestyle:

• Try not to drink your calories. By this, I mean absolutely no soda. I was addicted in high school, but when I broke that habit, my body thanked me. Now the calories are more likely to come from wine or a cocktail, but I only drink those sparingly, and it is usually as a special treat.
• Cut out excess calories when possible. This means skipping mayo or butter when it isn't needed, or switching to nonfat milk instead of 2% or cream.
• Eat frequent, smaller meals instead of 3 large meals. I'm a grazer, and this is by far the key to my weight loss. I eat smaller portions about 5 times a day, sometimes 6. It's important to eat when you're hungry, and it balances your metabolism.
• Eat a piece of fruit as one of your snacks. I am a banana junkie. I will disregard any diet advice that says not to eat bananas because they make you fat. Bullshit. When I don't eat bananas, I get foot and leg cramps. Not fun. Bananas are nature's most portable snack! Eat up!
• Eat plenty of fiber! Being regular is key to managing your weight and your health. Fiber gets things going, and it also helps fill you up!
• Drink lots of water, all the live long day.
• Treat yo'self! You guys, it's not secret. I love cookies. I love ice cream. I love pastries, and puddings, and cakes. When I deprive myself of things things, I am more likely to binge on them. Therefore, I treat myself on the regular. I just don't eat the whole damn cake. A small slice will usually suffice. 
• Eat fewer processed foods. I discovered that I am allergic to corn, so a lot of processed foods are off-limits to me anyway. I don't believe in eating meat substitutes, often because soy does a number on my stomach. When it comes to treats, I prefer homemade baked goods over highly processed, chemical-laden cakes and cookies from the store. If you don't understand half the ingredients on the label, you probably shouldn't eat it. 

Remember, make it about your health, not your weight. I didn't lose weight until I stopped trying. Weird, huh? What I did do, however, was realize that I felt yucky on the inside, and there were a lot of things I wanted to be able to do that I couldn't. I wanted to run, to hike, to dance! So I did! Now I take care of myself, not to maintain my weight, but because I want to live a long, healthy life doing all kinds of wonderful things.

What are your thoughts? How do you feel about diets? I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Leave a Comment body image, happiness, health, not dieting, self confidence, self love

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My Body: A Manifesto

Today I am going to get real with you. I saw a horrible show on MTV a few weeks ago that really got under my skin (there's a reason why I never watch that channel). It's called Girl Code, and in this particular episode, they were talking about how girls are supposed to act in the bathroom. In particular, and it was news to me, girls are supposed to hover over public toilet seats- a girl should never sit. I think I've had a pretty normal upbringing, so I found this shocking (though it explains how some women seem to miss the target). I'm a sitter, always will be, and so far, I haven't acquired any diseases. 

But what rankled me the most about this show was how subversive it was. Here is a channel whose demographic is primarily impressionable young people, including women. And here was a show telling girls what they ought to do with their bodies (don't get me started on body hair). It is hard enough to be a woman with the kind of harassment and pressure we face on a daily basis, but to add to it women telling other women what they should be doing with their bodies is just appalling. I am of the firm belief that we women have to stick together if we really want equality in society. Shit like this is just two steps back.

So, I went to my journal and I wrote a manifesto for my body. 

This body is deserving of love and compassion.

This is my body and it is my choice what I do with it.

My body has no responsibility other than to serve my spirit.

My sole responsibility with my body is to take care of it. Taking care of my body means:

• Feeding it nutritious food when it is hungry.

•  Allowing it to enjoy pleasurable sensations. 

•  Moving it in ways that feel good. 

•  Protecting it from harm. 

•  Giving it plenty of water and sun. 

•  Loving it.

It is for no one else to say what I do with my body, including, but not limited to:

• Shaving or waxing. I will be as hairy or as hairless as I see fit. My hair hurts no one. 

• Wearing makeup. I will wear makeup when I want, but only for my pleasure. I will allow my bare face fresh air regularly. 

•  Clothing. I will wear what makes me feel good, regardless of what others may think. 

• Swimwear. I will wear whatever piece of swimwear I feel good in and suits my needs. 

•  Attractiveness. It is not my responsibility to make myself appealing to someone else's eyes. 

•  Diet. Diets do not exist. I will eat what I want because I want to live my life fully. 

•  Color. I will be as pale as I am because I do not want skin cancer and I don't want too much exposure to chemicals. I also do not wish to be an Oompa-Loompa.

My body is the vessel through which my spirit experiences this life.

I will remind my body that it is beautiful.

I will show my body love.

This is my manifesto, and I will do my best to uphold it. I will try my best to show myself compassion when I forget to hold true to this manifesto.

Now friends, I encourage you to create your own manifesto. You can take mine, if you wish, or you can create one that suits you better. My only hope is that you understand that your one body is yours alone, and you have the choice to treat it lovingly.

So, have you ever written a manifesto? What "rules" do you think are bogus? I would absolutely love to hear from you in the comments below!

 

17 comments body image, happiness, self confidence, self love

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Weekly Wishes for Confidence: July 15

Happy Monday everybody! I hope you all had a great weekend. Today it's time to check in to see how I did with last week's weekly wishes, and set some new wishes for this week.

Last week, my wish was to wear bright lipstick every day. I want to build my confidence, and since I always think of women who wear bright lipstick as being confident, I wanted to emulate that. I succeeded in wearing bright lipstick every day, and when I wore it, I did feel more put-together. I actually got sick for two days and still wore the lipstick, and though I felt quite yucky, the lipstick made me feel a little more presentable. All in all, I would say last week's wish was a success!

If you're interested in trying out bright lipstick for yourself, but you're a little bit hesitant, here are a few tips for wearing bright lips in Summer:

• Keep it simple. Don't go all-out with your makeup, or you can look a bit clownish. Instead keep a clean face (I used BB cream with sunscreen), put on some mascara, then swipe on your bright lipstick.
• Stick with lighter colors for Summer. I have one or two darker reds, but they're just not appropriate this time of year. Instead, opt for bright pinks and lighter reds.
• Smile! Just have fun with it- bright lips show off your best asset- your smile. Go ahead and rock that bright lipstick!

This week, I want to build my strength to build my confidence. I already practice yoga 2-3 times a week, but I really want to focus on getting some strength, especially given my knee issues. So this week, I would like to do some strength-training 3 times this week. Hopefully this will help me prepare for some more challenging hikes coming up this Summer, as well as make me feel like an all-around badass.

So my friends, how was your weekend? Do you have any plans for the week to boost your confidence? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below!

16 comments happiness, self confidence, self love, weekly wishes

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I Like to Read: Quiet

Just a little lunchtime reading.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If you're an introvert, how many times have you been prodded to "come out of your shell?" Or, how many times have you been forced to do group work, when you really shine as a solo worker? Have you ever based career decisions on whether or not a job is for introverts or extroverts?

These are some of the questions brought up in my mind as I read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain.

The book starts out by talking about American society's bias toward extroversion, to the extent that the self-help industry has an entire niche aimed at helping people overcome introversion, like it's some kind of impediment to living a fulfilling life. I had never considered before that one need not be considered better than the other, but that's precisely what happens when you grow up in a culture that favors extroverts. After reading the first part of the book, I wanted to copy it and mail it to every person who ever asked me to come out of my shell, or who wondered aloud why I was so quiet.

What it all boils down to is that introversion is a preference toward a certain amount of solitude and quiet. Alternately, it is a matter of how one responds to stimuli. I know I become quite overstimulated in loud, active environments, and I do my best thinking on my own. It's not that I don't like being around people- quite the opposite. I just need a certain amount of down time after being around people for an extended period of time.

There were times in the book that I questioned whether or not I really was an introvert. I enjoy public speaking and performing (karaoke and bellydance), and Susan Cain never once mentioned introverts who enjoy performing (Michael Jackson being a prime example). She did talk about people whose jobs required that they act extroverted, but I would have loved to learn more about how creative professionals use introversion and extroversion, and why. I'm terribly nervous when I perform, but I still love doing it, and I'd love to understand why that is.

What I appreciated most about this book was that it told me that it's ok to need time alone. I'm known to be a bit snappy when people intrude on my alone time. I recall a recent episode wherein I'd had a pretty stressful day and commute, and when I arrived home to my apartment, I couldn't unlock my door. My new landlord had put a new lock on, and had actually moved into my old roommate's bedroom so that he could turn it into a studio. I was terribly uncomfortable with this, because my home space is sacred. As I was trying to unlock my door, the landlord came out and started talking to me. I was pissed off that my door wouldn't open, and I was in a hurry to get to my bellydance class. I told my landlord this in very clipped words, and he just fumbled around with the lock. Once it was all situated, I hurried up to change and get out my door, and as I turned on my car, my landlord came to my window and pestered me some more. I seriously just wanted to be left alone- I often don't want to talk after work. I was probably very rude to him, but I felt that my sacred space had been invaded, and I simply could not handle it. I was way overstimulated. And it's not my fault that I am this way. I am not a bad person for this. Before reading this book, I would have thought that it was all my fault and that I was just a bitch.

Introversion is not equal to bitchiness.

Thank God for Quiet.

Where do you stand on the introversion/extroversion scale? Have you read this book? I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

13 comments books, self confidence, self love, wisdom

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Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy: resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

Envy: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Source: Dictionary.com

Have you ever found yourself in the grips of jealousy or envy? Do you disdainfully look at other women whom you perceive to be better-dressed, thinner, stronger, richer, or more confident than you? Have you ever though that you were more deserving of someone else's job, their car, their home, their followers, their significant other? If so, then you're not alone.

Feelings of jealousy and envy strike the best of us. You can be perfectly content with your life, but when faced with someone who seems to have something more, you feel like you come up short. Or, as is common with women, we turn a very critical eye to other women in public when they seem to have more status than us. She may wear tight pants (and look good in them), she might have a hot boyfriend, she might have a huge rock on her hand, or she might be driving a nice shiny BMW. What causes us to feel so inadequate when we see someone like that?

For me, it's because I still judge myself very harshly. I know I'm smart, but I feel like I've gotten myself stuck with entry-level type jobs, a stagnant love life, and a frumpy look. I look at a woman who seems to have it all together, and I am overcome with envy. I want what she has. Sometimes, especially if the woman seems mean, jealousy takes over and I wonder why nice old me doesn't have all of those wonderful things. It's not like I don't try.

When not kept in check, these emotions can cause me to downward spiral into anxiety and depression. But I've learned two mechanisms for coping with envy and jealousy, and I'd like to share them with you.

1. Gratitude. I cannot emphasize enough how important gratitude is. Be thankful now for what you have, because it can always be taken away. Nothing should be taken for granted. As an exercise, I will make a list of what I am grateful for. Doing this when jealous feelings creep in is very beneficial. 

An example:

• I am thankful for my adorable dog.
• I am thankful for my health.
• I am thankful that my breasts are the size they are (I get boob-envy very easily, so this is an important reminder to myself).
• I am thankful for my hips and my waist.
• I am thankful for my calves.
• I am thankful for my beautiful eyes.
• I am thankful for my intelligence.
• I am thankful for my sense of humor.
• I am thankful that I have a good relationship with my family.
• I am thankful for the time I spent in Europe.
• I am thankful for my literacy.

I could go on, but these examples serve as a counterpoint to the things I find myself becoming envious of in other people. Which leads me to mechanism number two:

2. Recognize what it is that you are envious about, and consider how you might be able to make that quality a part of your life. For example, if you are jealous of someone's recent trip to Hawaii, ask yourself why you are feeling that way? Is it because you've never been and would like to go? Figure out how you can make it happen, even if it means you have to save money over the course of three years. Are you envious of how beautiful another woman looks? Think about what it is that you see that makes her beautiful, and figure out how you can apply that in your life. Do you wish you could pull of red lipstick? Find a shade that suits you and start rocking it (it's scary at first, but the only way to get used to it is to do it a lot). Do you wish you had her nonchalant confidence? Practice good posture and meeting new people.

I know that with this coping mechanism, there are some things that can't be changed. I tend to get jealous of any woman, big or small, who has a flat stomach. Because of my weight loss, I will never have a flat stomach without surgery. This is where an extra dose of gratitude comes in. Acceptance is very hard to do, but it is the first step. I accept my tummy as it is. I accept it will not change much. And I am thankful that this extra skin and the stretchmarks I have remind me of the long way I've come. This part of me is a souvenir of another me, one that I left behind long ago, but who is equally deserving of love.

But here's the thing about jealousy and envy: both are a  construct of the mind. That woman who seems to have it all together? Chances are she doesn't. She might be plagued with debt, or riddled with anxiety, or maybe she even has body dysmorphic disorder and wished she were even skinnier. The outside does not always reveal the inside. So next time you find yourself jealous of someone you don't know fully, take it with a grain of salt.

I hope that you find these tools useful, and I am curious to know if you have any other methods for dealing with jealousy and envy. What things trigger these feelings in you? How do you cope? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

14 comments happiness, self love, wisdom

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Songs to Remind You You're Awesome

I don't have a hiking post for you this week, since my regular hiking day was Father's Day. I spent the morning bowling with the family, and I was lucky enough to not have the lowest score! But, if you factor in that the lowest score came from a 5-year-old, then, well, I at least bowled my average!

So, today, in lieu of a hiking post, I bring you a music post. I'm sharing with you my Spotify playlist of songs that remind me I'm awesome. Sometimes you just need a little pep-talk. For me, music s a huge mood-influencer, so when I feel myself getting a little bit down on confidence, I play these songs.

If you have Spotify, I encourage you to follow me. Feel free to copy this playlist and play it when you need a boost.



What are your go-to confidence-boosting songs? Any ideas for songs to add to this list? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below!

13 comments happiness, self love

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Letting Go

Grab a cuppa, this is a long one.

I’m having a bit of writer’s block about this topic, I’ll be honest. I’ve been enjoying the prompts so far, each one pushing me to dig deeper and see what comes out. I feel like I have hit a wall today, and I’m not sure what I see. I’m feeling a little disoriented after a disappointing reunion Tuesday evening. I’ve been doing well lately on my road to self-acceptance, but Tuesday night I just fell flat on my face. This time it didn’t even have much to do with the comparison game. You see, I have some friends with graduate degrees and who are working toward some very fancy, important things to do with the environment. When I got together with them, I literally had nothing to say about the topic. I’ve never liked science, and environmental science is so huge here in the Pacific Northwest that it’s a bit like a dead horse. I know it’s important, but it is not my niche, and that is ok. But when I’m around these friends, I get to feeling like it’s not ok, that I should be more passionate about it. But I’m not. I have my causes, and they happen to be social (animals are considered social, right?). Give me a petition to sign that promotes keeping hens out of cages in a more humane environment, and I will sign it. I’m a vegetarian, after all. I will gladly donate to a dog rescue organization, and I learned the hard way that I should not watch documentaries about animal shelters (I bawled my eyes out, then I hugged Lucy). But energy? Meh.

So I sat there, thinking, oh, how nice that this is a topic my friends have in common. And then the selfish thought, what about me? Can’t we talk about something we all have in common? I talked about how much I love my nephews for a little bit, but then I felt like the crazy one because I’m really the only one of us who loves kids. What’s not to love about kids? They force you to stop being so serious and just play. Well, I didn’t ride my crazy lovin’ on my nephews train for long, because another friend showed up. And that’s where it went downhill. From then on, we talked about everyone but me (this was a catching-up-after-years reunion). And I was reminded of who I was when these people first met me. These people met me when I was much bigger than I am now. But for some reason, Tuesday night I felt invisible again (it’s so weird how the heavier you are, the more invisible you feel). And I left that night feeling let down. I had gone out looking forward to seeing one of my best friends and catching up, and instead it was something else. Something I don’t want in my life anymore.

And I guess that’s where the letting go comes in. I have shed my physical shell through running, dancing, yoga, vegetarianism, and eating everything in moderation. But there is a shell on the inside that needs shedding, that I’ve held onto for far too long. I’m not the same person I was even two years ago, and I have so much to be proud of for that fact. I might not have a Master’s or a fancy job, I might not have a house, or kids, or be in a serious relationship. But I have love in the places that matter most, and best of all, I have respect for myself. So I can let go of relationships that bring me down. I can let go of mindsets that hold me back. I can take a lesson from my nephews and let go of my inhibitions and just play!

My most recent achievement that I am proud of has been my yoga practice. Yoga helps me in so many ways beyond just helping me get strong and flexible. It helps me breath, even when my mind is racing. It forces me to slow down when I feel myself accelerating out of control. One of my goals of late has been to hold crow pose for more than ten seconds. On Saturday night, I held it for at least fifteen (seriously, I was holding it just wondering when I was going to be called out of it because my body was not going anywhere). I was so excited, I wanted to jump up and fist-pump the air (I love fist-pumping), but I was still engaged in my practice. I was feeling a little spunky after the video, so I played the tutorial for doing a headstand- something I’ve never even tried before, because, well, I can’t do a headstand! You guys, I made it into tripod headstand with my knees resting on my elbows. This is huge to me. I could not have done either of these things if I had not let go of the notion that I couldn’t do it.

I’m coming to the realization that to get anywhere in life, you just have to let go. When you hold on to the negative thoughts, when you cling to your desires, when you set your plans in stone, you only set yourself up for disappointment and pain. Four years ago, I had been accepted into a Master’s program for Art History. I had had my mind set on becoming an art history professor, and worked hard to get into a good program. I was accepted into a decent one and made the plans to leave my job and move to Florida. All the while, I had this niggling feeling in the back of my mind. The economy was heading south and I wondered if I was making the right decision. Luckily, I received a very timely phone call that made my decision clear. I cancelled my plans for grad school and stayed put, with no plans for the future. It was heartbreaking to let go of something that I had had all planned out in my mind. But I know it was the best decision for me at the time. I have let go of that future, and it is a relief. Academia is too harsh a world for me. Instead, I’m letting my future go. That’s not to say I’m not putting any effort into my life’s direction. It just means that I’m aiming for something, but if my life takes a different turn, I can handle it. I’m letting my future go so that it can come back to me.

So there are my thoughts on letting go. I want to let it all go. I want to be fresh, to be a renewed self. I am ready.

What are your thoughts on letting go? Have you ever had to let go of a version of your future that you held onto? Share your thoughts in the comments.

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On Sensitivity, Introversion, and Perfectionism

Day 20 of the challenge asks us to post about something we are struggling with right now. Well, here are a few of my gremlins, as Brene Brown would call them. I wrote the following last night.

So sad.

What am I struggling with right now? At this very moment, it is my sensitivity. I read an article a few years ago that totally clicked with me and gave me insight as to how I am and ho it is ok. I am a highly sensitive person. Right now, my heart is still pounding just a little faster than normal and my nerves are just a little more frayed than they usually are. About half an hour ago, my dog was playing on my sister's couch and suddenly started squealing and ran right to me. I had no idea what was wrong, but she and I were both freaked out and she just wanted me to hold her. She was so startled that she had pooped herself, which in turn freaked me out more because it meant that she was terrified. I ran my hands along her tiny body, feeling for broken bones, but she felt fine. She did not appear to be bleeding. When I got up to take care of her mess, she was walking gingerly on one back leg. Cue panic button. May is already a financially strapped month for me, so a vet bill on top of everything would be more than I can afford. Well, thank God that a few minutes later, Lucy was walking just fine.* Unfortunately for my nervous system, it is taking longer than I would like to get over that little scare.

This kind of reaction on my part is not unusual. I might appear cool and calm on the outside, but inside I am freaking out. I went to a baby shower today that had lots of grownups that I did not know and lots of children. It was completely overwhelming for me. I thought I was going to lose it when a little boy starting batting a balloon around in front of me. And I hate that alcohol (or lorazepam, when the doc prescribes it) is the only thing that can help me cope with such overwhelm. That is not healthy. I sat through it all because I was happy for my friend to have her first child, and I wanted to see her open her gifts. But man is it hard when little kids are misbehaving and their parents don't seem to know how to discipline their kids (Honey, no no in a sweet voice is not going to get your kid to behave, no matter how many times you say it). In situations like this, I tend to retreat within myself, not really caring to talk to anyone else, unless it is a good friend I am already familiar with.

So, I struggle with being sensitive in the fact that I just can't help it that I become overstimulated very easily. Sometimes I'm feeling particularly sensitive, so I tend to feel like crying when I'm happy for someone, or that damn ASPCA commercial comes on TV (please no, no more Sarah Maclachlan). And I'm really sensitive when someone gets hurt. I can't handle seeing someone else in pain; when my sister was in labor, I almost passed out during one of her contractions because I could see the pain on her face. Pain makes me nauseous, and when it's really bad, I start to pass out. It's the number one reason why I did not go into the medical field.

Which takes me to a similar thing that I struggle with: I'm an introvert. How is that a struggle, you ask? Because, as I am learning from Susan Cain's Quiet, our society has a preference for extroverts, so much so that it has become an expectation. If you want to get anywhere in life, you must be an extrovert! I've grown up with people not understanding me and pushing me to "come out of my shell" or "open up" or "put myself out there." In fact, one time I was fake sleeping at church camp and heard some of the older girls asking each other why I was so quiet. Um, I'm not always quiet, but I definitely prefer to sit back and observe the action when I'm in a group. I will participate on my own terms. And that is ok. But I still struggle with reminding myself that it's ok. I struggle with becoming defensive when I feel myself retreating. I struggle with offering myself compassion when I just need a break from people. I struggle with feeling like I'm a bad person because I just don't want to talk right now.

Creating this was stressful.

Polka dots and straight lines- oh my!

One last thing I struggle with: I put a lot of pressure on myself to be awesome. I don't want this blog to be a piece of crap, so I put pressure on myself to update it, make it readable, make it pleasant for me to look at. I want people to read and interact, and it's a lot of pressure. I also do it with my creativity. When I bellydance, I am so selective about what music I use because I want people to think that it was awesome. At karaoke, it is the exact same thing. Throw competition into the mix, and I'm about ready to give up (because I'm too sensitive). At both baby showers I attended this month, there were white onesies for us to decorate with fabric pens. Naturally, I want to create something awesome, so I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to do so. I was trying to be creative, so I decided to draw outfits on them, hoping that the mothers-to-be would like them. God forbid the pen bleeds or I draw a line a little bit too crookedly- I would feel like a failure. I forget that no one really cares all that much. If people are looking down on me for any of these faults, then those are people whose opinions I shouldn't even care about to begin with. I want the kind of people who cheer me on, no matter what. And most people really do just want to see you be yourself and succeed. So I need to tell little miss perfect that she can bug off and I don't need her opinions. It's just a struggle because little miss perfect is a squatter who has taken up residence in my mind.

Those are my biggest struggles at the moment. Can you relate? What are your struggles? I'm here to listen- leave me a comment below.

*Lucy has not been acting quite herself- she's afraid to go upstairs on her own, and will not jump up on the couch or bed (which is low to the ground). She hasn't eaten either. So, I'm a bit worried, still.

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Difficult Things

My "lot in life"- that is the subject of today's post in the challenge. I won't lie, my life is not filled with the adversity of disability, illness, minority, or poverty. I'm a middle-class, educated, white female in America. Life is good, though not without complaint.

But I'm not going to take the easy road and laugh this post off with a "my life is great, I have no complaints!" No. I have two very specific complaints, things that are difficult for me, that I did not ask for, things that I have to work with.

I'll start with the more superficial of the two: I have an hourglass figure. I don't quite have the "true" hourglass figure- my waist is only about 9 inches smaller than my bust, not the required 11. I have finally come to terms with my body shape, and I really love it. I'm lucky to have a waist. I finally believe I'm lucky to have boobs (and dear Lord, please protect them and keep them healthy). Having hips is also not bad, especially considering what I can do with them when I dance.

Old pic, no makeup, but this give you an idea of my shape.

But good Lord, shopping makes it all too frustrating for me. When you're a size 8 in the bust, a size 4 in the waist, and a size 6 in the hips, it's really tricky to shop for dresses and swimsuits that are flattering. That is the key- I cannot follow trends, for the most part, because I am not shaped like the long, lithe body that the designers are designing for. It's a short trip from blouse-y to fat/pregnant. I have to stick with form-fitting clothing, but again, what is snug in the bust tends to be loose in the waist. So I shop around. Thank goodness we have Joan on Mad Men making my shape a little more popular, I just wish it translated more to my price point. When I'm shopping, it takes everything I have to remind myself that I'm not fat or ugly, but that the clothes were simply not designed with my shape in mind. So I search, search, search, and I snatch up anything that fits me perfectly and wear it until it starts to fade and fall apart. That is how I deal.

My second complaint about my lot in life is medical: I have Raynaud's. If you've never heard of it, it is an autoimmune disorder that affects my circulation. Basically, when I get cold (or even if just a cold breeze passes along my neck), my body freaks out and thinks it is being attacked, stopping the flow of blood to my extremities. My fingers, and, more predominately, my feet will turn white due to lack of blood flow, then purple, then bright red when the blood finally returns (which can be up to half an hour, at its worst). No big deal, you think? Well, it's not so pleasant when you are walking on pavement, bundled to the brim, and you feel like you are walking on pins and needles and your fingers are throbbing. It is painful, y'all.

Gross, right? Those yellow spots are where the blood is not flowing.

So how do I cope with my Raynaud's? I dress more warmly than the weather calls for. I keep fingerless gloves on me at all times, though in the summer I can forget. It really is ridiculous that, even in the Summer, I have to keep gloves on hand else I have an attack. You see, air conditioning is a bitch. One burst of cold air can trigger a full-blown attack. I also try too keep warm socks around, and tend not to wear sandals unless I am going to be spending most of my time outside on a a hot day (which for me, is 80 degrees plus, though in Portland, OR, where I live, locals consider any sunny day above 65 as hot and reason to shed all clothing and shoes). Also, I keep the Summer scarf in vogue- thankfully Target and H&M have lots of light, cute ones that that I don't have to stick out like a sore thumb.

There you have it, my lot and how I deal. Does anyone else out there have Raynaud's, or know someone who does? Do you have something difficult that you cope with? How do you deal? I'd love to hear from you!

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I'm Sorry

For Today's task in the challenge, I must issue a public apology. Since I intend my blog to be a place of positivity and promoting self-love, I thought it best to publicly apologize to myself. It is time I stop being sorry for things that I do without forgiving myself. In order to forgive, one must first apologize.

This girl deserves an apology.

Dear self,

I am very sorry for how I have treated you in the past. I can honestly say that I did not know the harm I was causing, nor how deep the hurt would go.

I apologize for being so self-critical, and for allowing it to become such a deeply ingrained habit. I hope to remedy this, little by little, by first forgiving the critical thoughts, then countering the criticism with love. For there is much to be loved about you.

I apologize for not believing in you, in all of you, in who you would become. I am thankful for the hope you have maintained, but I know I made it very difficult at times.

I am sorry for holding you back and for making you dream small. I know there was a time when you dreamed freely and wildly, but as you grew older, I began to tell you that your dreams needed to be smaller in order to be attainable. That was a lie. You cannot attain it if you do not dream it. I know the dreamer is still within you, so I want you to know that she is free now. She can dream as big as she wants, and she better be ready for those dreams to come true.

I am sorry for calling you names. Fat, ugly, worthless, friendless, stupid, mean, boring. These names do not represent you at all. These names are more a reflection of the depression that consumed you at times, and other times were part of that deeply ingrained self-criticism.

I am sorry for not treating you more lovingly. I know I don't always give you the best nutrition, though I have come such a long way. I also kept you from moving your body in ways that delight you, and I know now that I must urge you to run and dance and do yoga whenever possible.

I apologize for telling you that you do not deserve love. That is perhaps the worst lie I have ever told you. You deserve to be swept off your feet, fall head over heels, have your breath taken away, and be shot by Cupid's arrow. You deserve the knight in shining armor. You deserve faithful love. I want this for you, and I am sorry for telling you that you were not worthy. You are more than worthy.

I am sorry for letting fear run the show. Countless times I have told you you could not do something out of fear. Fear of people, fear of getting hurt (physically or emotionally), fear of looking stupid, fear of disappointment. None of these are good reasons for not living your life. Do it all and don't hold back- I will try my best not to let fear take the reins.

Finally, I am sorry for not giving you the recognition you deserve. I should not deflected compliments that were honestly given. You deserve each and every one of them. You have come so far from where you have been- you are a creature transformed. Own it; I will try my best to let your light shine.

I hope you can forgive me for all of the ways I have wronged you. I am truly sorry.

Love,
Yourself

Now, dear readers, I urge you to consider writing an apology to yourselves. What would that look like? I welcome your comments and emails.

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Friendship Advice

For today's post in the challenge, I am supposed to offer a piece of advice, so I have chosen to write about friendship. Since you can tell a lot about a person by the people they choose to surround themselves with, I think it fair to say that you should be picky about the people you keep as friends.

Now, I admit freely that I am an introvert, so I am inclined to only keep a few close friends, and that is what works best for me. I have been urged to "open up" and "put myself out there more," but that would be disingenuous to who I am. I am not an extrovert and putting a lot of energy into superficial relationships drains me. I like deep, thought-provoking conversation, and the kind of intimacy that allows silence between friends without any discomfort. I can generally tell very early on who I will click with, and those are the people I gravitate toward.

Sometimes, though, there comes a time when it is necessary to relieve yourself of some of the people you have surrounded yourself with. Perhaps you realize that a particular friend seems only to bring you down, to magnify your sadness when what you really need is a brownie and a chick flick. Or maybe you find that a person lacks the integrity you once believed them to have- you see them act in a hateful or selfish manner in a way that speaks of their character that had only recently come to light. This is when it is time to say goodbye. It is not easy, and may cause pain, but not all friends are meant to be forever. You have a choice. You don't have to be friends with someone who makes you feel bad for not owning a home or having what they deem to be a lousy job. By letting go of the bad, you make room for the good. You create room for a new, more marvelous friendship to blossom.

Above all, do not keep lousy friends for fear of loneliness. I did this in high school and it really jaded me. I didn't want to be alone at lunch, so I hung out with people who treated me as second best. I actually had a friend cancel a sleepover with me because out other friend had suddenly become available. True story. In college, I found real friends, who showed me what it is like to have people in your life who truly care about your well-being and want nothing more than to see you flourish. Hold on to these ones, and when they drift out of your life, cherish the lessons they taught you.

There you have it, my advice for the day. How do you feel about friendship? Do you have any advice to share? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below!

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Words, Words, Words

In case you were unaware, I love words. I love language (hello, I majored in French), and I love what we can do with it. You can string some of the simplest words together to create a powerful message that punches you in the gut and leaves you breathless. Words can bring great joy, or they can draw tears from your eyes. Words are why I love to read great literature (Thomas Hardy- ugh, be still my soul!), and they are why I write.

Today's challenge was to share my favorite quote. I will share two, since these are the words I repeat to myself most often. These are words I try to live by, though I am not perfect and falter quite often. But when I fall, I repeat these words to myself. When I have doubt, these are the words that give me courage and strength.

First: "Seek and ye shall find." - in part, Matthew 7:7 

This quote has a dual meaning to me. First, the obvious, given the context of Jesus' teachings to his followers- keep seeking the divine, and the divine is what you will find. Keep looking for God, and you will find Him. I take it further and fill in the blank: seek happiness and happiness is what you will find. And then I turn things around, showing that Jesus was speaking a simple truth that applies to anyone, no matter what their religion: whatever you look for is what you will find. If you look for the bad, you will find the bad. If you look for the good, you will find the good. Think about it- if you go out while you are in a bad mood and you meet new people, you will not like those people if you are looking for what it wrong with them. But when you go out with the intention of finding the good in each person, you will find it. Because we will find whatever it is that we seek. Wise words.

Second: "This above all: to thine own self be true 

               And it must follow, as the night the day,

                         Thou canst not then be false to any man." -Polonius to Laertes in Hamlet

Hamlet is a wonderful play, and if you have never read it, I suggest you do. If you don't want to read the whole thing, then at the very least, read Polonius' speech to his son, Laertes. It is full of fatherly wisdom- words we could all live by. My favorite passage from the monologue is this bit, which I often repeat to myself (simply, to thine own self be true). Each of us has one life to live, and it would be a life wasted if we lived it according to someone else's idea of life. Further, sometimes the thing we know to be right is not necessarily the thing that the crowd wants to do. We have to dig deep into ourselves, examine our truth and live accordingly. When we do this, which is a daring thing to do, we can do no wrong. It is my belief that we are put on this Earth to simply be ourselves and live an authentic life, with integrity. This is what Polonius tells his son in Hamlet. This is what I tell myself when I have doubts about my life and my decisions. Be true to yourself. Be bold.

This was a difficult challenge in that I have so many favorite quotes, so I'm considering making this a monthly feature on my blog- let me know what you think! Also, I'd love to hear your favorite quotes- please share in the comment section below!

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