Letting Go

Grab a cuppa, this is a long one.

I’m having a bit of writer’s block about this topic, I’ll be honest. I’ve been enjoying the prompts so far, each one pushing me to dig deeper and see what comes out. I feel like I have hit a wall today, and I’m not sure what I see. I’m feeling a little disoriented after a disappointing reunion Tuesday evening. I’ve been doing well lately on my road to self-acceptance, but Tuesday night I just fell flat on my face. This time it didn’t even have much to do with the comparison game. You see, I have some friends with graduate degrees and who are working toward some very fancy, important things to do with the environment. When I got together with them, I literally had nothing to say about the topic. I’ve never liked science, and environmental science is so huge here in the Pacific Northwest that it’s a bit like a dead horse. I know it’s important, but it is not my niche, and that is ok. But when I’m around these friends, I get to feeling like it’s not ok, that I should be more passionate about it. But I’m not. I have my causes, and they happen to be social (animals are considered social, right?). Give me a petition to sign that promotes keeping hens out of cages in a more humane environment, and I will sign it. I’m a vegetarian, after all. I will gladly donate to a dog rescue organization, and I learned the hard way that I should not watch documentaries about animal shelters (I bawled my eyes out, then I hugged Lucy). But energy? Meh.

So I sat there, thinking, oh, how nice that this is a topic my friends have in common. And then the selfish thought, what about me? Can’t we talk about something we all have in common? I talked about how much I love my nephews for a little bit, but then I felt like the crazy one because I’m really the only one of us who loves kids. What’s not to love about kids? They force you to stop being so serious and just play. Well, I didn’t ride my crazy lovin’ on my nephews train for long, because another friend showed up. And that’s where it went downhill. From then on, we talked about everyone but me (this was a catching-up-after-years reunion). And I was reminded of who I was when these people first met me. These people met me when I was much bigger than I am now. But for some reason, Tuesday night I felt invisible again (it’s so weird how the heavier you are, the more invisible you feel). And I left that night feeling let down. I had gone out looking forward to seeing one of my best friends and catching up, and instead it was something else. Something I don’t want in my life anymore.

And I guess that’s where the letting go comes in. I have shed my physical shell through running, dancing, yoga, vegetarianism, and eating everything in moderation. But there is a shell on the inside that needs shedding, that I’ve held onto for far too long. I’m not the same person I was even two years ago, and I have so much to be proud of for that fact. I might not have a Master’s or a fancy job, I might not have a house, or kids, or be in a serious relationship. But I have love in the places that matter most, and best of all, I have respect for myself. So I can let go of relationships that bring me down. I can let go of mindsets that hold me back. I can take a lesson from my nephews and let go of my inhibitions and just play!

My most recent achievement that I am proud of has been my yoga practice. Yoga helps me in so many ways beyond just helping me get strong and flexible. It helps me breath, even when my mind is racing. It forces me to slow down when I feel myself accelerating out of control. One of my goals of late has been to hold crow pose for more than ten seconds. On Saturday night, I held it for at least fifteen (seriously, I was holding it just wondering when I was going to be called out of it because my body was not going anywhere). I was so excited, I wanted to jump up and fist-pump the air (I love fist-pumping), but I was still engaged in my practice. I was feeling a little spunky after the video, so I played the tutorial for doing a headstand- something I’ve never even tried before, because, well, I can’t do a headstand! You guys, I made it into tripod headstand with my knees resting on my elbows. This is huge to me. I could not have done either of these things if I had not let go of the notion that I couldn’t do it.

I’m coming to the realization that to get anywhere in life, you just have to let go. When you hold on to the negative thoughts, when you cling to your desires, when you set your plans in stone, you only set yourself up for disappointment and pain. Four years ago, I had been accepted into a Master’s program for Art History. I had had my mind set on becoming an art history professor, and worked hard to get into a good program. I was accepted into a decent one and made the plans to leave my job and move to Florida. All the while, I had this niggling feeling in the back of my mind. The economy was heading south and I wondered if I was making the right decision. Luckily, I received a very timely phone call that made my decision clear. I cancelled my plans for grad school and stayed put, with no plans for the future. It was heartbreaking to let go of something that I had had all planned out in my mind. But I know it was the best decision for me at the time. I have let go of that future, and it is a relief. Academia is too harsh a world for me. Instead, I’m letting my future go. That’s not to say I’m not putting any effort into my life’s direction. It just means that I’m aiming for something, but if my life takes a different turn, I can handle it. I’m letting my future go so that it can come back to me.

So there are my thoughts on letting go. I want to let it all go. I want to be fresh, to be a renewed self. I am ready.

What are your thoughts on letting go? Have you ever had to let go of a version of your future that you held onto? Share your thoughts in the comments.

8 comments self love, wisdom

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