Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy: resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

Envy: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Source: Dictionary.com

Have you ever found yourself in the grips of jealousy or envy? Do you disdainfully look at other women whom you perceive to be better-dressed, thinner, stronger, richer, or more confident than you? Have you ever though that you were more deserving of someone else's job, their car, their home, their followers, their significant other? If so, then you're not alone.

Feelings of jealousy and envy strike the best of us. You can be perfectly content with your life, but when faced with someone who seems to have something more, you feel like you come up short. Or, as is common with women, we turn a very critical eye to other women in public when they seem to have more status than us. She may wear tight pants (and look good in them), she might have a hot boyfriend, she might have a huge rock on her hand, or she might be driving a nice shiny BMW. What causes us to feel so inadequate when we see someone like that?

For me, it's because I still judge myself very harshly. I know I'm smart, but I feel like I've gotten myself stuck with entry-level type jobs, a stagnant love life, and a frumpy look. I look at a woman who seems to have it all together, and I am overcome with envy. I want what she has. Sometimes, especially if the woman seems mean, jealousy takes over and I wonder why nice old me doesn't have all of those wonderful things. It's not like I don't try.

When not kept in check, these emotions can cause me to downward spiral into anxiety and depression. But I've learned two mechanisms for coping with envy and jealousy, and I'd like to share them with you.

1. Gratitude. I cannot emphasize enough how important gratitude is. Be thankful now for what you have, because it can always be taken away. Nothing should be taken for granted. As an exercise, I will make a list of what I am grateful for. Doing this when jealous feelings creep in is very beneficial. 

An example:

• I am thankful for my adorable dog.
• I am thankful for my health.
• I am thankful that my breasts are the size they are (I get boob-envy very easily, so this is an important reminder to myself).
• I am thankful for my hips and my waist.
• I am thankful for my calves.
• I am thankful for my beautiful eyes.
• I am thankful for my intelligence.
• I am thankful for my sense of humor.
• I am thankful that I have a good relationship with my family.
• I am thankful for the time I spent in Europe.
• I am thankful for my literacy.

I could go on, but these examples serve as a counterpoint to the things I find myself becoming envious of in other people. Which leads me to mechanism number two:

2. Recognize what it is that you are envious about, and consider how you might be able to make that quality a part of your life. For example, if you are jealous of someone's recent trip to Hawaii, ask yourself why you are feeling that way? Is it because you've never been and would like to go? Figure out how you can make it happen, even if it means you have to save money over the course of three years. Are you envious of how beautiful another woman looks? Think about what it is that you see that makes her beautiful, and figure out how you can apply that in your life. Do you wish you could pull of red lipstick? Find a shade that suits you and start rocking it (it's scary at first, but the only way to get used to it is to do it a lot). Do you wish you had her nonchalant confidence? Practice good posture and meeting new people.

I know that with this coping mechanism, there are some things that can't be changed. I tend to get jealous of any woman, big or small, who has a flat stomach. Because of my weight loss, I will never have a flat stomach without surgery. This is where an extra dose of gratitude comes in. Acceptance is very hard to do, but it is the first step. I accept my tummy as it is. I accept it will not change much. And I am thankful that this extra skin and the stretchmarks I have remind me of the long way I've come. This part of me is a souvenir of another me, one that I left behind long ago, but who is equally deserving of love.

But here's the thing about jealousy and envy: both are a  construct of the mind. That woman who seems to have it all together? Chances are she doesn't. She might be plagued with debt, or riddled with anxiety, or maybe she even has body dysmorphic disorder and wished she were even skinnier. The outside does not always reveal the inside. So next time you find yourself jealous of someone you don't know fully, take it with a grain of salt.

I hope that you find these tools useful, and I am curious to know if you have any other methods for dealing with jealousy and envy. What things trigger these feelings in you? How do you cope? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

14 comments happiness, self love, wisdom

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