So, remember this post about the ending of my last relationship? Well, I finally got that goodbye. And it was nothing like what I expected, despite having given up on ever receiving it.
As it turns out, my ex was hospitalized and later diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. My feelings are shock, frustration, and pain. I wish I had known. I wish he had told me. He knows he should have told me sooner.
He called because he wanted to give me peace. It's ironic because I'm feeling anything but right now. I'm feeling hurt and sad. In the end, he did not want to burden me with his disease. He wants a better life for me than dealing with a cranky man in a wheelchair.
He assured me that nothing was my fault, that he thinks I'm beautiful, gentle, kind, and deserve someone who treats me well. All I ever wanted was love, but maybe he's right. And maybe he knows something I don't about how far love can carry a relationship.
So here I am, experiencing the final ending of our relationship. What's funny is that earlier this week, I said a little prayer asking to have my anger taken away. This phone call was honestly what I needed to remove the anger that I felt toward my ex. The trouble with an empathetic person is they understand why someone might make the poor choices that they do, and I can't blame my ex for being angry about his diagnosis and therefore not letting me know what was going on.
It is strange how complex my feelings become with age and experience. There is no black-and-white, there are no good guys and bad guys. We are all a bit of both, however much we crave the clear vision that movies provide. When I tell the people I care about of what transpired between my ex and me, they will surely gang up against him- he was bad, he was wrong. But he wasn't bad. His behavior may have been bad, but as a person, he was not bad. He was simply (complexly) human. As we all are.
I don't really know how to process this. I am still feeling hurt, and this time at the true ending and loss of a relationship that meant a great deal to me. I hope that I can truly be at peace about this relationship now, even though I am feeling hurt and fresh pain over the loss. It will all get better with time, right?
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