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Today on my walk to barre class (ridiculous, I know) from work, I overheard a phone conversation that at first made me angry and then, after I mulled it over, made me feel hurt. Not so much personally hurt, but a more societal hurt, if that is a thing. In any case, this simple conversation that I overheard made me think a lot more deeply about my community and society as a whole.
Let me set the scene: I'm walking by some office buildings through China Town, it's sunny outside, and I'm just trying to get to my class on time because not only is it rude to be late, but they won't let you in if you're too late. I hear a woman's voice behind me, probably mid-late twenties or so. The woman is talking to someone she knows on her cell phone. She is talking about why she did not want to give up her seat on public transportation. "She has a child, it does not make her disabled." I could not believe what I just heard. Someone validating their decision not to give up their seat on the bus or Max to a woman with a child. I waited a few moments to look behind me, to see if perhaps the woman speaking was disabled in any way. Nope. She was walking along just fine in her sundress, and definitely looked to be in her twenties. She continued to tell her friend why she should not have to give up her seat on public transportation just because a mother and her child boarded the bus or Max. All I really heard was, "I'm really, really selfish, and I need you to validate me in my selfishness." I wanted so bad to turn around and tell this woman just how entitled she sounded. I sped up instead.
As I marched on, I really hoped and prayed that the person this woman was speaking to would be a good friend and point out this woman's selfishness. "Hey, I know you may have been tired, but think about how tired that mom must be. It's not easy raising a kid, let alone taking them across town on the Max. Just think about the message you would be sending that kid by giving up your seat for him and his mom- showing that kid how to be a good citizen." In an ideal world, if we all did the right thing, that is how the other side of that conversation would have gone. Instead, I'm sure (and I only say this because I've heard, seen, and been expected to take part in it a thousand times) that the other side consisted of reassuring and commiserating statements like, "yeah, it's not your fault she chose to have kids," or, "yeah, having kids does not entitle you to someone else's seat on the bus."
Why is it that we allow people around us to behave like complete jerks? It has become socially acceptable to go along with bad behavior instead of calling it out. If someone makes a sexist joke, or uses misogynist vocabulary, the crowd is expected (and usually does) laugh it off. It takes a rare person to speak up and call out the bad language.
Some of my regrets in life are moments when I did not speak up. I remember one time when I went to a beer festival with a new friend. This friend made a mean comment about an obese woman sitting on a small fold-up chair. Instead of pointing out how mean and unacceptable that comment was, I tried to change the topic. Not only does fat-shaming upset me for personal reasons, but it is simply unacceptable and mean. I wish I had told my friend my true feelings on the matter, but instead, I simply stopped hanging out with her.
I know it's scary to take a stand and hold people accountable for their words and actions. Pretty much every day, I want to call cyclists out for violating traffic laws (guess what cyclists: you have to follow the same rules as moving vehicles) on my walk to work. Seriously: get off the sidewalk, and stop at stop signs. Instead, I mutter under my breath and hope that none of my pack gets run over (me, bf, dog). Why am I so afraid of how a cyclist would react if I called them out for riding like a complete jerk?
Part of it is that we live in a country where you never know who is carrying a gun. It's too hard to tell when you're dealing with someone who might completely lose their shit and seriously injure you, your dog, or your loved one. Confrontation is frightening. So how do we hold one another accountable?
It starts with choosing your friends wisely. You're not obligated to be friends with, or even get along with, everyone. Respect, yes. Like? No. If a friend says something that sounds selfish, respectfully tell them how their words and actions impact other people. If that friend wants to cut off the relationship because you called them out, then their friendship is not worth it- they clearly value themselves too much to be a good friend to you. I say this from experience: I have had a friendship end because I called out an extremely selfish action. Trust me, my life has been all the better for it.
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